I tend to keep this blog a happy place. To write about the nicer things in life rather than the mundane day to day. At the moment though the day to day is taking over somewhat and to be honest we’re struggling with it.
The thing is about 10 months ago Master C became difficult. I never expected life with two small children to be a walk in the park, and at first just put all our problems down to “a phase” but nearly a year later I’m definitely thinking that this is no phase. It’s not just a few things either. By now his behaviour is completely ruling our life and making things pretty tough.
It all started when he decided to stop eating meals. Aged 11 months he’d been weaned really easily and he’d been happily eating three pureed meals a day since just 17 weeks old. All different flavours were happily gobbled up and it was all going swimmingly, much as it had for his sister. He then got to that stage where they don’t want you spoon feeding them any more and instead he wanted finger foods and to try feeding himself. Fine I though and I left him to get on with it, much as I had done with Little Miss C. The problem is that he obviously hadn’t read the instruction book.
He just no longer wanted to eat anything other than a very select group of things (mainly biscuits, bread, crisps, chocolate, sausages, yoghurt and custard) and if we gave him anything else he just screamed and threw it to the floor. A phase I’m sure many children go through, but here we are still going through it. And things haven’t improved at all.
There’s still only a very small groups of foods that he will eat, and even then he won’t always eat all of them. Sometimes he’ll just throw something at us when the day before he’d happily eaten it. Hundreds of pounds of food is being thrown away as he just won’t touch it. He screams because he’s hungry, but he won’t eat anything other than whatever it is he specifically wants at that moment. If we don’t have it or won’t give it to him he just screams instead. And screams and screams. For hours. As he hasn’t got a huge vocabulary yet we sometimes struggle to work out what it is he wants anyway.
As he won’t eat his meals (breakfast is the only meal he’s eaten properly for 10 months now) he gets hungry between meals and again just scream and screams. Even when you give him what he wants he sometimes will just take a few bites and then throw the rest across the room (and/or spit it out onto the floor) and start screaming again.
The throwing isn’t limited to meal times though and bedtime has also become a huge battle where he throws everything out of his cot and then screams until we go and put it all back in again. If we don’t go in he just keeps screaming. The record before we caved in is about an hour. The cycle can go on for hours and hours, even if he appears tired and at gone 11pm one night we were still there returning his cuddly dog and duvet when he’d been put to bed around half past 7. It’s also common for him to wake several times a night, and although we can get him back to sleep quite quickly we’re not always sure what wakes him in the first place.
As if this isn’t enough we also seem to be at the stage where biting and hitting are the common response to everything – mainly directed towards his sister – and dealing with that when combined with all the screaming is exhausting.
This all sounds like one huge moan, and in a way I suppose it is and I feel really bad about that. I realise that there are plenty of people far less fortunate than ourselves, but when you’re stuck in this middle of this it’s tough. When he’s “on form” he really can be the most delightful little boy ever. Cute, smart, funny and great fun to be with. Sadly that only seems to be a fraction of the time these days.
Mentally and physically I’m exhausted. I’ve no idea what to do to try to break out of this cycle. Family life is suffering massively. We struggle to go out anywhere because of his behaviour. We can’t go out for meals ever as all he does is throw and scream. If it’s just me with the kids (i.e. during the week when Mr C’s at work) then I really struggle. And heartbreakingly there’s so so much that LMC is missing out on due to his behaviour. At times she’s being naughty, and I’ve come down hard on her for it, but trying to step back and look at it when calm I think it is all because so much of our time is taken up with dealing with Master C.
I’ve spoken to GPs, health visitors, children centre outreach workers and his nursery staff (he won’t eat there either) and tried everything suggested without any success. No one can find anything actually wrong with him, and overall he’s a healthy little boy, despite not getting a balanced diet. The line that came back from someone that the nursery got in to observe him at meal times was that he was “just bloody stubborn”. We’re lined up to see a paediatrician next month thanks to a referral from our GP, and I’m just praying that they can find some sort of a problem so that we can try to resolve things. Otherwise I’m pinning all my hopes on him getting better when he learns to talk more.
I do wonder if it’s all just geared at me though. When he’s at nursery, or anyone else looks after him, he’s just not like this. Yes he won’t eat and throws food, but they don’t get all the screaming that I seem to get all day long. I’m left wondering if maybe it’d just be better if other people always looked after him, but then that doesn’t sort out the problem or mean we have any sort of a family life does it. I feel like I’m failing as a mum. I should be able to comfort him, provide food for him to help him grow healthy and strong, yet I can’t.
There’s just three and a half weeks until the end of the school term and the long summer holiday looms. I’d always pinned my hopes on him being better by now. That LMC, Master C and I would be able to do things together this summer without all these problems, but I’m now having to accept that it’s looking highly unlikely and it breaks my heart. I so want to give LMC a lovely summer. To do all the exciting things that her friends are going to do, but so many of them just seem impossible.
I’ve three and a half weeks to try to rescue things and to be honest I just don’t know where to start.
Obviously I am no expert but he sounds SO much like Kyle that if you can find the time I would like it if you could read The Out of Sync Child – if nothing else just to rule out whether it is down to sensory processing disorder. Other than that I hope things calm for you soon xx
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0399531653/?tag=googhydr-21&hvadid=31502247440&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6436668484950135259&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_6nk23e92g7_e
Thanks for the link Joy – just ordered a copy x
IUnfortunately I have no words of wisdom other than you are not alone. Tigger is a terrible eater and flat out refuses anything new sticking to his carb based diet. I often feel that I have let him down and parented him in a different way to his sister.
Reaching out to give you a virtual hug and I hope that your hospital appt goes well.
My darling girl you are not failing as a mum at all! Life is tough and some children give us bigger challenges to face than others! Let hope the DR can give you some help and make things more manageable You know where I am and you are always welcome to leave him with me while you and LMC go off o an adventure!
I’m so sorry things are so difficult for you all right now, I really hope that you will get some help soon. This probably won’t mean much to you right now but I know that we’ve been through some difficult times in the past and things do get better. Even if the problems are not resolved you do find better ways of dealing with them. One day you will look back and feel strong because you got through this.
You darling – just the toughest. And my daughter was SO easy, I was all smug about what a great job I was obviously doing (!) till my son came along and I raised him exactly the same and he was WAY more challenging! So don’t over-think it. And NEVER think you’re being judged. Just focus on your family and getting through this tough time xx
Ohh Penny it is so hard this parenting lark. I pray he starts to eat better for you, it will improve. All things do, I remember when Miss M was younger I just had a constant feeling of dread of what she would do next as she was so troublesome but it is getting better, a small bit at a time. Love to you, Mich x
Oh i understand. My youngest can be a handful sometimes especially if she is tired. At almost 19 months she still has three portions of milk a day: breakfast, lunch and dinner and eats by herself if she wants to. If she doesn’t she will not receive anything between meals. She wakes up every morning at 6.30 and at 11.30 she goes for her day nap and this is until about 13.30-14.00. Dinner is between 17.30-18.00 , she has her bath straight after and by 18.30 she is ready for bed. She falls asleep by herself in her cot with a bottle of milk. I know that for so many this sounds unreal but it might be ok now but it took really long for her to get in a routine. This routine makes her a happier child altogether and makes me happy too 🙂
Good luck and i hope soon will get easier for you. xx
Oh Penny I just want to give you a massive hug. First of all you are NOT a bad mum. You’re an amazing mum who has it bloody tough at the moment. And you shouldn’t feel bad for moaning – when things are difficult at home it’s absolutely normal to want to vent, and this is definitely a safe place to vent. Far better to be honest about how hard things are than to pretend everything is fine and not try to get to the root of the issue. I am no expert, but it sounds like you have done the right thing and sought advice from those who know more about this sort of stuff than me. I know how frustrating it is when you want to sort a problem out but can’t get to the bottom of it – and kids regularly throw us new challenges to deal with just as we think we’ve got past the last “phase”! I can completely understand you being exhausted. Although it’s certainly not a long-term solution is there any way you can get away for a night to get some much-needed rest and perspective from it all? Is there any way you can grab an afternoon on your own with Miss C just to give her some one to one attention? Like I said, I’m no expert so that may be crap advice but just know this: you are NOT a bad mum and you are NOT alone. And like I said, never feel bad for being honest about how things are. x
We’re still having similar issues with Ned. He often won’t eat his meals but we have the added bonus that he can help himself to stuff from the fridge and freezer or cupboards whenever he wants to. He now demands lollies for breakfast. He’s in a bed now, so doesn’t stay in his room and when he does he often screams for his water, which is on the side of his bed. I end up going in and passing it to him. Often though he’ll just come downstairs- at the moment we’re lucky to get him tucked up before 10pm. This, coupled with him getting up early or coming into our room in the middle of the night often means he’s attached to C for 18 hours a day- I’m lucky I get to escape to work :-/
Boys are so different to girls though, we knew what to expect with Ned because the boy hadn’t been much better. Fifi was, apart from the not sleeping, a marked improvement in terms of behaviour and neediness. I’m not saying that all of it is down to Master C being a boy but they are completely different to girls at that age. I like to describe them as puppies- full of energy and aggression that needs plenty of exercise to run off. Ned’s going through his punching and hitting phase at the moment, much like the boy did and something that Fifi never ever did, and it is wearing.
I can fully empathise and there isn’t likely to be an easy solution. You’re welcome to borrow the excellent Art of Roughhousing if you like, it has physical games that are suitable to play with boys from the age of 2 that help with emotional development, relationships, behavioural issues and so on.
It sounds like they’re very very similar. Someone said to me yesterday that if you have a girl first then a boy it comes as such a shock to the system that you actually find it harder than several boys or just the other way round. I totally see what they mean. The puppy analogy is one I definitely agree with though. Sound like the four grown-ups need to ditch the kids for an evening and catch up over a pint and compare coping strategies. Or just catch up on sleep! x